Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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