A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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