I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
