Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize