the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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