yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
