You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize