My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
