My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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