Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
