y did u give ur computer a hand job?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
