don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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