just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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