He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
if only i could text you this smell
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
