i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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