why didn't you poke me back
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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