I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
