So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When are your genitals available?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
