Acid is not a monday night drug
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
