well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
