Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
