his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
