if only i could text you this smell
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
