a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
