my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
