she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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