What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize