smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
