I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Drunk is not a location!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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