Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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