they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
