If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize