I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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