You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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