I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
