Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
