I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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