Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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