Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
