I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
