when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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