I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
