He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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