i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
