i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
