What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
