Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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