i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
