the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize