I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
