I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
