so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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