So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
