my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
