I feel like I'm in dance class right now
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
