Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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