Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
