i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
