I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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