the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
someone owes me an orgasm
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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