This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
