i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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