if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
