The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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