she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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