I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
