he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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