So drunk its hurt
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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