drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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